Since I’m apparently chemically incapable of not making dumb stuff even if no one is currently paying me to do so, here’s this dumb thing.

So here’s what’s next for yours truly: I, and a big team of talented folks, are going to be building the best video game site ever.

We’re doing it with an astonishing level of support, an unprecedented set of tools (many of which we’re still making up!) and an absolutely unparalleled team of talent that, for my money at least, hasn’t been approached since 1UP in its heyday.

How good is our founding team? Well, let’s see. You’ve got Brian Crecente and Chris Grant, two of the guys that helped write the book on how you write about games online. There’s Russ Pitts, who shepherded The Escapist from PDF to burgeoning media empire. There’s Arthur Gies, one of my favorite critics working today. There’s the hilarious, insightful Chris Plante (who I’ve always wanted to work with) and the astounding Russ Frushtick who, in addition to being a great writer, is probably the most skilled gamer I know in real life. (He used to be #1 in the world at Jetpack Joyride!) Then you’ve got my favorite video game journalist (Griffin McElroy) helping Crecente to lead our news coverage, and me, who was hired solely to do weird stuff that horrifies, delights or horrifies and delights in equal measure (and to manage the team too, I guess, but that other thing sounds better, right?).

And we’re not done looking, not by a long shot.

Building off the amazing tech already in place at The Verge, we’re going to be making a site that’s as fun to play with as it is to read. And once your eye jellies have absorbed every word, you’ll be able to chat about games with a community you’ll really want to interact with.

I used to have the best job in the world with people I loved. I was as comfortable and safe as I was happy. I left that job to do this, which I hope says a lot about just how exciting I think this opportunity is. We’re building a new video game site, one that I believe is in a position to become one of the giants. I’ve always wanted to be in on the ground floor of something  like this, and I hope you have too.

Go get on already.

I used to be a newspaper reporter. It was a good gig, but I had to do a lot of stuff I hated. I had to cover crime scenes. I had to read arrest reports. I had to go to city council meetings. Also, despising unprompted social interaction with people I don’t know, I wasn’t particularly great at it.

But in my spare hours, I was also writing posts for a website called Joystiq.

As much as I enjoyed it, I realized I was straddling two worlds, trying to be a traditional news guy and a member of the new world of online media. One afternoon in 2007, I sat in the field behind my house and asked my wife to trust me as I dropped my actual, real adult job with benefits to become a guy who professionally makes jokes about Mario’s hat and photoshops speech bubbles onto pictures of babies dressed like pirates.

I had no promise that the Joystiq thing would turn into a full-time job with benefits (in fact, that took a few years), but I knew that writing at Joystiq was the first thing I thought I was genuinely good at. My wife gave not only her blessing, but her adamant insistence that I had to do it. I was, is and will forever be indebted to her for her faith.

Because she trusted me, I’ve had some of the most amazing experiences of my life. I got to record a podcast and write for a website with some of my best friends in the world. I got to see a community grow around our work and got to meet many of its members, all of whom are just the best people. I got to record a show called My Brother, My Brother and Me and actually get people to listen to it. I also played catch with George Lopez.

Now, some five years later, I’m asking you, the people who care about the stuff I read and write to trust me in much the same way as I announce that I’m leaving Joystiq. A WordPress blog is nowhere near as picturesque as a West Virginia landscape, and we’re not all sitting together, but the sentiment is the same.

I’m taking a huge risk in letting go of the single best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I do it only because I think amazing things will come of it that you’re really going to love. But I need you to hang in there with me, to have faith that it’ll all be worth it. I ask you this because the fact that you care enough to listen to me, to respond means more than any job, any title or any paycheck.

Joystiq will pass into the hands of the amazing Ludwig Kietzmann and Co., all of whom will do some incredible things and I’m heartbroken that I won’t be a part of it. No matter where I go in my life, I will always carry with me a hole in my heart shaped like Joystiq.

But as nervous, sad, scared, excited as I am about 2012 (both due to my new gig and the world-ending return of Quetzalcoatl) what I feel most is gratitude. Thanks to Chris Grant, I had the biggest opportunity of my life. Thanks to the every member of Team Joystiq, I’ve become a better writer with a better collection of friends and animated cat GIFs. Thanks to my wife, I have a fantastic reason to step away from the keyboard now and then.

Finally, I appreciate you, the people who read or listen to my work. For a husky, not-so-popular kid from a state many couldn’t find on a map, the fact that so many of you like me is a gift I get to unwrap everyday.

There’s a running joke that whether the recipient is a stranger or friend, I give the world’s greatest hugs. It’s only now that I can reveal my secret, one that I hope I haven’t kept too well over the past five years:

I love you all so very, very much.

Trust me.

————————

       ”…And that’s why we need your help, Mr. Crane,” finished the
four-inch-tall mayor of the little people with a grand wave.
       David Crane feigned being moved by their tales of being constantly
pursued by the ferocious creatures that inhabited their island; a
difficult task, as he was being deafened by the sound of cash
registers.
       ”Uh huh, that’s really heartbreaking,” Crane said, as he thoughtfully
fondled the floppy disk in his pocket. “Listen, do you guys…do
anything?”
       ”Sorry?” said the mayor with a furrowed brow.
       ”Do you do anything interesting?” Crane asked curtly.
       The mayor’s face beamed, “Of course! We love to play poker, practice
the piano, tend to our pets-”
       ”Yeah, OK, sounds good,” interrupted Crane, scooping all of the
island’s inhabitants into his arms.
       The townsfolk embraced as a little boy asked tearfully, “So does this
mean you’ll let us come and work in your chocolate factory?”
       ”What the hell are you…Oh! The chocolate factory! Well yes, of
course! It’s a magical place, full of…wonder, and you’ll…uhh, always
be safe from the…vermicious knid,” Crane replied, attempting to judge
the child’s weight as one might select the ripest melon.
       ”OK, gang, here’s the deal. You’re all going to the factory, and it’s
going to be really wondrous and everything, but I’m going to have to
transport you all,” Crane said as he pulled the disk from his pocket,
“in this.”
       ”What…what’s that?” asked a tiny, trembling woman.
       ”Why, it’s a magical transporter that makes Uncle David $27.50 in
royalties whenever one is sold,” replied Crane with a sadistic laugh.
       ”But how will we all fit in there?” said the mayor, his giddiness
melting to terror.
        “Well, Ringo,” Crane flicked open his rusty pocket knife, “that’s
what we’re going to find out.”

                               ***********************

       Hours had passed, Crane was coated in sweat, tears and purplish
blood, and not one of the little people was on the computer disk!
       But Crane would not be defeated, he knew “Little Computer People”
could be a hit, if only…suddenly, as he looked at the remains of the
world’s smallest humanoids, he knew what he had to do.
       He would learn how to program! It was almost too easy. The only thing
that could stand in his way now were thirty or so tiny skeletons in
his closet.
       Crane wiped his hands on a nearby patch of grass, and set off to find
a very tiny shovel.

For the record, I don’t think he explains away his actions. In fact, what I found interesting about the piece was just how little of an explanation he had. Take this bit, where he describes the inception of his “habit”:

I was 20 years old, and trying to write a short story for the first or second time when I came upon a paragraph I liked from a short story by B.S. Johnson called What did you say the Name of the Place was? It was so easy to do, as easy as picking up a drink, if you think about it. The lifted paragraph perfectly fit my narrative. And it temporarily assuaged the awful feeling I had in my head that I was no good as a writer.

The thing about mea culpas like this that normally make them effective is that they walk you back to a first, seemingly innocuous step — something that everyone can relate to — after which they inevitably spin off into disaster. But, speaking solely for myself, I can’t even understand the inception of his crime. That leap from copying someone’s paragraph and pasting it into my own work is one that I could never knowingly make.

I’m not willing to call plagiarism an “addiction” (though I’d argue overuse has long since robbed the word of most of its clinical connotations). But is it not possible that there’s some flipped switch in Quentin Rowan’s mind that isn’t flipped in mine or yours? Why is it so much easier to think he’s an evil, evil son-of-a-bitch with no conscience?

It’s great to beat up on people who plagiarize, because it’s one of the absolute wrongs. There’s no gray area, it’s simply not done. I believe most of us are guided away from absolute wrongs by an internal moral compass. It’s one that steers us away from these big sins and maybe allows for a few smaller ones that may be harder to judge, harder to detect.

I may be naive, but I prefer to think that some people have areas where their compasses don’t function correctly, rather than thinking those people are missing theirs entirely. Whether you want to define that as addiction is up to you, but I’d be loathe to kick around someone else’s great big sins just because mine are harder to find.

One of the things I’m proudest of at Joystiq is how we work to eliminate opportunities for bias whenever possible. We don’t take trips paid for by publishers/developers. We don’t accept gifts. We try not to get too close to people making games (or at least recuse ourselves from covering products they make if it happens). Why? Well, we believe that if it’s not a gift or trip or back rub presented to the reader, then the reader — rightfully or not — might assume we let that perk color our judgment.

“But Justin, Oblivion is your favorite game. Isn’t it a double standard to let someone who’s biased towards loving Oblivion review its sequel?”

I don’t believe it is, and here’s why: It’s a bias that any reader could come by on their own. In fact, in this case, I would wager to say that most people considering a purchase of Skyrim really enjoyed Oblivion, because otherwise, what are they doing? Actually, let me take that one step farther. I think if you didn’t really enjoy Oblivion and you’re reviewing Skyrim that’s enough of an outlier in the “possible Skyrim purchasers” group that you may want to consider disclosing it.

The fallacy on behalf of people who suggested I shouldn’t be allowed to review Skyrim is that I’ll in some way be inclined to be unfairly kind to Skyrim because I loved Obvlivion so much. Seriously, have you guys not met any game critics? Or, indeed, the internet? My biggest worry about reviewing Skyrim is that it will in any way disappoint me and I will, as a result, savage it. But being aware of that bias and compensating for it is the work of any good critic of anything. You can eliminate all the outside marketing influence you like, but any reviewer is going to bring some level of baggage to any review, because they’re human beings. The trick, to crib a line from Pulitzer Prize and Tony Award-winning musical Rent, is finding a critic with baggage that goes with yours. Or, perhaps even more productively, reading the thoughts of several critics with disparate baggage and then watching all their slideshows and deciding for yourself … you know … what Hawaii looks like. Or something.

The people reading about video games are excited about them. And the people arguing about them on sites like NeoGAF are really excited about them. I think the moment that a game critic falls out of step with those groups is the moment they should get into PR.

Sorry, that was a joke.

They should get into marketing.

Again, sorry. Still totally joking.

This is a spec script I wrote for “The Office.” I don’t think it’s terrible, but I don’t think it’s great either. It was mostly written to teach myself the format, conventions, etc. But now that Michael Scott’s off the show (and they did a theater-heavy plot last season with Andy), I figure this ship has officially sailed. Rather than just leave it to rot on my hard drive, I’ll leave it to rot here, on my WordPress blog. Hope you get a chuckle out of it.

PART ONE

“From the trajectory, it appears the asteroid will hit the Earth in approximately 72 hours,” said the General.

The President placed a cigarette between his lips, lit it, and inhaled sharply.

“Is there anything we can do?” he asked.

“We’ve liaised with several world governments, sir. Japan, China, Great Britain, Germany, France. No-one has the facilities to bring this asteroid down. We’ve also considered several suggestions from Michael Bay, Jerry Bruckheimer, Steven Spielberg, and Roland Emmerich, all of whom agree it’s far too late to mount a daredevil mission to the surface of the asteroid to blow it up.”

“Who’s Roland Emmerich?”

“He directed a number of ‘disaster porn’ films, sir. ‘Independence Day’, ‘2012’, ‘The Day After Tomorrow’,‘Godzilla’…”

“Does ‘Godzilla’ count as a disaster movie?” asked the President.

“Hard to see how a giant monster rampaging through a major American city could be seen as anything other than a disaster, sir.”

The President stood up, and looked out of a nearby window. The view was unspectacular – they were a mile deep underground – but he’d requested the windows be installed so that he could look out of them in a contemplative manner.

He turned to the General, and flicked his cigarette at an unfortunately-positioned intern. “What about Initiative J?” he asked.

The General shuffled in his seat. “With respect, sir, Initiative J hasn’t even been tested yet. We’ve no way of knowing if it’s even suitable for a large-scale disaster of this magnitude.”

“Well, we’re about to find out,” the President said, smiling.
~*~
Justin McElroy stepped out of the car wearing a finely-cut black suit and the most expensive aviator shades money can buy ($34.95 plus tax). He walked towards Air Force One where the President awaited his arrival.

“It’s an absolute honor to finally meet you.”

“You needn’t stand on ceremony with me, Mr. President. I’m just here to do a job.”

It is as this point that you may wonder exactly what Justin McElroy looks like. Mere words cannot convey this man’s exceptional good looks. Indeed, the movie rights for this story have already been optioned by a major movie studio based on McElroy’s looks alone, however all involved in production have asked that he be portrayed by British actor Matt Berry who, while certainly handsome, is just odd-looking enough to make all of the other actors feel a little bit better about themselves. McElroy himself has signed a lengthy contract forbidding him from appearing on set to avoid any work stoppages and tantrums from the actors.

Aboard the plane, McElroy laid out his plan.

“It’s a simple three-fold operation,” said McElroy. “First, I go up to the asteroid. Secondly, I punch the asteroid in the face. Finally, upon my return, there’s an orgy.”

“Are you sure?” asked the General.

“It’s more likely than not. Orgies tend to just happen when I’m around. We’re having an orgy right now.”

“I think he was referring to the second part of your plan,” said the President, wiping a small glob of butter from his eye. “You honestly think you can stop this asteroid by punching it?”

“In the face, yes,” nodded McElroy, maneuvering himself so as not to be kicked in the face by a female intern.

“Do asteroids even have faces?” asked the General. “My dear General,” McElroy smiled. “Do you know nothing about Astronomy?”
~*~
Several hours later, McElroy was strapped into a space shuttle and blasted into the sky. Millions watched the event on TV and via a live web stream. The fate of the world rested in the hands of a man determined to punch an asteroid in the face.

The shuttle touched down upon what McElroy had dubbed the “hair” of the asteroid. The airlock doors hissed open, and McElroy took his first steps out onto the surface.

He looked up at the earth, looming above him. The blue marble.

He looked down to the asteroid. He clenched his fists, let out a mighty cry, and punched it in the face.

All around the earth, people watched in awe as the asteroid suddenly stopped moving towards the planet, instead spinning off into the depths of space, never to be seen again.

“McElroy, this is mission control. You did it! Come on home. Over.” Silence. “McElroy? Come in.” Still silence.

McElroy had known all along he wouldn’t be able to return. He’d watched ‘Armageddon’ recently, and he’d always felt an affinity with Bruce Willis. While he was right about the orgy that would ensue after the success of his mission – an orgy that would be held globally on this day every year afterwards in his honor – he would not be able to participate.

But there would be other planets. And, more importantly, there would be other orgies. Space orgies.

TO BE CONTINUED…