The Bean Life

I’ve been talking a lot about the slow carb diet recently and have gotten a ton of questions and so I’m gonna try to answer a few of them all together here. A WARNING: I’m not an expert and I’m not endorsing anything. Diet and weight loss and body image and all that stuff is really personal and there’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all solution. Besides, I think you’re great just the way you are.

What is slow carb?

The diet began with The 4-Hour Body by Tim Ferriss, which is still the best place to start. But you can also get a really thorough understanding of the plan from this crowd-sourced Reddit guide.

Here’s the elevator pitch:

1. No carbs except from vegetables and legumes. Starchy vegetables like corn, yams, etc. are also out.
2. Have 30g of protein within 30 minutes of waking up
3. No fruit
4. No cheese or really any dairy except a bit of cream in your coffee
5. Eat the same stuff over and over
6. Every seven days, take a day off and eat like a garbage human being.

That’s about it.

How’s it working for you J-Man?

Pretty good! I’ve managed to shed about 25 lbs. since I started in mid-March. Considering we’re a week into August, that may not seem very fast, and it’s true. The cool thing for me is that I know exactly why that loss isn’t higher. We’ll address that in an upcoming question.

Why do you think this is working for you?

I know what my trouble spots are as an eater, and they are all connected with carbs. Cereal, bread, you name it, I’m down with it. When I’m eating foods like that, I feel very out of control of my diet. So by avoiding them, I feel much more in control.

But I think the bigger factor is the cheat day, which has two purposes. 1. It’s supposed to keep your metabolism from stabilizing or something like that. 2. More key for me, is it makes the whole thing a heck of a lot more mentally sustainable.

If I want something bad for me, I remind myself to fuck it up on Saturday. I’m DYING by the end of Friday. The interesting thing about Saturday though is that after eating some trash, I’m reminded of how fleeting that pleasure is and how it’s really not worth the trade off. Plus, if you do a cheat day right, you also get to the end of it DYING to get back to a healthier way of eating.

Isn’t it hard to do?

Yes! Sort of! At first.

When I started, all I could think of was the stuff I couldn’t eat, and that was really difficult. Plus, it was a transition period for my body not getting a steady drip feed of sugar throughout the day. But the longer I’ve been on it, the easier it is to maintain. When I used to eat, that decision felt like an addiction impulse, keeping the sugar high going. Now I eat when I get hungry. That doesn’t sound like a meaningful distinction until you experience it.

There are definitely tough periods, times of temptation especially mid week, but that’s a LOT easier to handle when you can think “You just watch your back, new kind of Fruity Pebbles with twice the marshmallows, because come Saturday, I’m gonna come back to this store, I’m gonna buy you, and i’m gonna lay waste to you. The shelf below the non-marshmallowed Fruity Pebbles and above the Cocoa Pebbles will be uninhabitable scorched earth when I have unleashed the hell I plan to rain down upon you.”

What do you even eat?

Almost every morning, I eat two eggs with two-eggs worth of egg beaters, black beans and hot sauce. Sometimes I’ll add guacamole, but most of the 7:30 ams I have experienced are INCOMPATIBLE WITH GUACAMOLE.

For lunch, I’ll usually do a salad with meat and black beans. Maybe some chili.

For dinner, I tend do do a lot of Mexican-style dishes, beans and meat and vegetables, or a more classic protein and vegetable dinner, like chicken and broccoli or what have you. I have also experimented with grilled chicken and no-sugar-added marinara over spinach noodles. Not bad!

It’s harder when you’re eating dinner with a family who isn’t on the plan, but usually i just omit the carbohydrate from their dinner and I’m fine. Plus, beans are always there for me, just waiting for their moment.

Oh, also, at night, I find it hard to sleep without some carbs on my stomach, so my dessert every night just before I go to be is two tablespoons of unsweetened almond butter. If you flex your self-delusion gland hard enough you can almost pretend it’s sweet!

The important thing is that whatever you eat, you gotta eat a lot of it (erring, of course, towards a lot of vegetables.) If you feel hungry on slow carb, something has gone awry.

On Saturdays, which Charlie now calls “Daddy’s Sugar Day” I start with a high protein breakfast because I feel like garbage if I launch straight into carbs. But then, oh god, the things I will eat. It’s horrifying. Here is an honest to god accounting of last Saturday:

• Croissant sandwich with eggs, bacon and sausage.
• Two pieces of french toast
• A pancake I ate off Charlie’s plate like a fucking monster
• Some Jelly beans
• Beef pho, shrimp rolls and a grilled pork bahn mi
• A Twix ice cream bar
• Half a pepperoni and sausage pizza
• Like three chocolate chip cookies I baked
• A bowl of Trolls™ cereal (like everything Trolls-related, it was a delight)

Shudder.

Do you exercise?

Not a lot, I should more. I do tae kwon do twice weekly, but that’s about all the structured stuff. I hope to introduce more soon.

You travel a lot, is this sustainable when you’re on the road?

No!

Well, OK, yes. I mean, you could do it. Airports are tough and you have to be smart about which restaurants you pick, but it’s feasible. I just don’t wanna.

For starters, I usually have a lot going on when I travel and I don’t want to have to be constantly thinking about what I’m going to eat. But also, I’m in a new place with new food and I don’t want to miss out on those new experiences I may not get another crack at. So I go on sabbatical, and just try to eat sanely.

With other diets I’ve been on, periods like this would wreck me. I’d feel like such a failure I wouldn’t return to the plan. But since I’ve been on slow carb, I just contextualize it as a lengthy cheat day, and get back on the wagon as soon as I’m home. It’s tougher after longer trips and I almost always put on weight, but it’s doable. I feel equipped to handle it.

Do you follow the diet strictly otherwise?

No! I mean I try to, but I’ll allow myself the occasional indiscretion provided I stay within the spirit of the diet. What does that mean? Well, for example, you’re supposed to try avoid sugar free sweeteners. Ferriss allows for 16 ounces of Diet Coke per day, but that seems to be because he really likes Diet Coke.

Anyway, I’ll have some sugar-free sweetener in my coffee most mornings. I like my coffee that way, and denying myself that would make this a lot harder to maintain. Ferriss and a lot of the slow carb community isn’t militant about this stuff. The rule isn’t “Violate and be banished.” but more like “Try it, test it, if it works for you, then it works.” It’s evidenced based rather than religious, for lack of a better term. That’s appealing to me.

Ferriss also recommends a supplement stack called PAGG I haven’t tried, because I’m suspicious of supplements.

Should I do this?

Uhh, I have no idea, dear reader. Does it sound like something you could never do? Probably not. Does it sound like something you could do, but would hate? Then maybe give it a shot, you’re tougher than you give yourself credit for.

Bonus question: Would you like my unsolicited feedback on why I think this diet is unsustainable/unhealthy/less effective than something else? 

I would not.

Justin’s Christmas Adventure: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Well friends, we’re just a few days out from Christmas. It’s been a hard year, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve had a hard time getting into the spirit. So I thought I’d do my part to try to buoy your spirits with a very special Christmas compilation, which includes my favorite holiday music ever recorded.

A few notes on Justin Christmas Adventure: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack:

• I limited myself to one song per artist and one version of each song
• I tried to blend modern stuff with a few classics that I can still tolerate after hearing them roughly 1,000,000 times since my birth, which I think has to be worth something.
• I tried to order it it to maximize variety to make it more fun to listen to, so if it seems a little scattershot, there you go.
• There are many classics not on the list, but it’s OK not to love everything I think.
• I will probably add songs that I’ve forgotten so feel free to subscribe to the playlist if you are so inclined.
• I guess my favorite all time Christmas song is the first one one the list, though I think I love White Wine in the Sun equally. That said, I only allow myself one listen to the latter per year, as it always reduces me a sobbing mess, so it’s #2, I guess.

OK, anyway, enjoy Justin’s Christmas Adventure: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack.

What to do in Huntington, WV! UPDATED for 2015!

Please enjoy the SECRET APPEARANCE of Clint McElroy in the above promotional video.

Hey all, we’re doing a live recording of my podcast My Brother, My Brother and me on Dec. 21, and since we have some out-of-towners making the trip in, I thought I’d recommend a few activities for your visit. I’ll be updating the list as I come up with other stuff.

EATING:

If you want some non-Starbucks coffee options, check out River and Rail Bakery or Bittersweet.

I’m super excited that Backyard Pizza has re-opened at a new location: 833 Third Ave Huntington, WV 25701. It’s a delicious place, though as of this writing it’s closed on Mondays. https://www.facebook.com/Backyard-Pizza-and-Raw-Bar-332057573529178/

There’s a list of some other non-chain places to check out here: http://www.savorhuntington.com/restaurants

One that’s not on that list is Black Sheep Burritos and Brews. They have a great selection of beers and a lot of super solid tacos and burritos. I recommend the Flock of Tacos with chorizo, bulgogi and the baja, but that’s just me. I think there’s an open mic night Saturday before the show, so that’ll be fun. They’ve got a stellar brunch on Saturdays and Sundays too.

Might I also suggest Huntington icon, Jim’s Steak and Spaghetti House.

Another Huntington-ass Huntington place to eat is Stewart’s Hot Dogs, which is also where I buy my Christmas tree.

If you’re wanting burgers, go to Fat Patty’s. Trust.

Drinking:

This is such a personal choice, as everyone wants something different from their drinking establishment. Some local bars I like are Hank’s and St. Mark’s. both of which are located quite close to each other (along with a few other bars) on 4th Avenue.

If you want a little more upscale, check out 21 at the Fredrick. http://www.savorhuntington.com/index.php/restaurants/21-at-the-frederick

After the show, we’ll be at The Lantern.

Culture/Lodging:

Visit the Huntington Museum of Art. There’s always something new at the museum, and there is also always a lot of antique glass and firearms. If that is your thing, you are in LUCK.

Visit the Museum of Radio and TV. Not only will you get to see a lot of antique radios and TVs, but it’s right next to Safety Town, a miniature town that teaches children how to drive. Must see. The museum is open from 1-4 on Sunday before the show.

Do some Geocaching. There are a ton of really great caches in the area that take you a little bit into the woods, but not too far so that you’d need your boots. Don’t believe me? Take it from the mayor!

Stay at the Heritage Farm Museum. The HFM is a really cool look into early rural life, but it also has some B&Bs in cabins, all of which are available for the night of the show. If you want something really close to the venue, this Holiday Inn is literally across the street:

Shopping:

Pullman Square has a lot of places to shop if you’re into that sort of thing. There are also a few restaurants, a Starbucks, that sort of thing. It’s right next door to:

Heritage Station is a converted train depot that has a bunch of nice little shops, a wine bar and a train you can just climb around on, no questions asked.

—-

So those are a few things worth checking out when you’re in town. I love all of them. There’s also a mall and a ton of chain restaurants and whatever else you want, but I tried to pick out the really special things. I hope you’ll have a great time. Also, if you haven’t gotten your tickets to the show, do it now!

What it has taken me 33 years to learn

-You can be funny and kind or funny and cruel. The second one is easier, but the first one is worth it.

-Dip the french fry in the Frosty. Go on, try it.

-Habit is a powerful force we forget about until it’s turned against us. Be careful which ones you create.

-You will remember the most embarrassing crap you do in your life forever and in perfect clarity. Everyone else will remember the kindest things you do. It all comes out in the wash.

-If you’re doing a remote podcast, it’s worth it to record audio locally and mix it together. Trust me on this one.

-You’re the only one who can let go of your grudges. It’s worth it, I promise. They’re not doing you any good.

-Doing the good, brave, kind things can feel silly if you let your internal critic get in the way. Reminder: No one else can hear that guy.

-I can count on one hand the number of times putting out negativity has brought me back something worthwhile and even when it works it feels terrible.

-Want to be better-liked immediately? Today? Right now? Use people’s names. Ask more questions. Make the person you’re talking to feel important without empty flattery.

-Don’t correct people. Unless their wrongness will lead to them getting hurt or hurting someone else. You’ll have a fleeting sense of superiority and they’ll resent you. Nothing worthwhile comes of it. This used to be so hard, but now I cringe when someone else does it.

-Cooking a Hot Pocket in the oven may seem counterintuitive, but man, it can really elevate it.

-Learning to appreciate things you don’t initially enjoy is the power to fill the world with stuff you like.

-Empathy is the final step of maturity. It can take some work, but you’ll be shocked how much easier the world is to navigate when you remember to use it.

-You’re probably not drinking enough water.

-There’s no narrative to your life, no arc, no reward for achieving all the things you want. That kind of thinking is a recipe for a you-centric world view and is a very lonely road. Focus instead on the role you play in the stories of others. When I was young, there was an old man named Brady at our church who always had gum. No matter what, Brady always had gum that he offered up freely. When he died, it devastated our youth group and I still remember him two decades later. Brady might have only played a bit role in all our life stories, but by playing it with generosity and kindness he achieved a sort of immortality. Putting others first with a cheerful heart isn’t easy, but because of that, even the smallest acts can leave an incalculable impact.

-Don’t read the comments. And when you do, only reply to the nice ones.

How to Christmas on Internet [UPDATED FOR 2013]

Christmastime is all around, but for those of us who live and work on the internet, you sometimes have to poke around to find the cheer. Here’s a collection of festive spots on the World Wide Web that put me in the holiday spirit.

A BetamaXmas

This is a collection of retro holiday videos you navigate with an ancient TV Guide and can improve the picture clarity by playing with the antennae. In short: THE BEST.

Video Calls with Santa

This is a fun one if you have tots you’re trying to intimidate or reward: It lets you fake a call to the big man upstairs who will then praise or scold the child as appropriate.

A Cartoon Christmas

A delightful site that chronicles Christmas specials and episodes of cartoons themed around the holiday. Mmm, nostalgia. Thanks Jordan Rodkey!

Magic Santa

I discovered this last year and used it probably 20 times. Input a ton of information and watch as Santa makes a wonderful little video about you or (if you like) a child of your choice. Now, is Santa remembering all of this information and selling it to marketers? I DON’T KNOW BUT HE LOVES ME.

A Christmas Santa

I know what you’re thinking and you’re right: That’s a really amazing name. In A Christmas Santa, the reindeer have called it quits and Santa has to perform all his deliveries with a glider and jetpack. Great fun and I play through it every year.

UPDATES FOR 2013:

Christmas Kisses:

The Robert Dyer Christmas Countdown:

It may seem like I’m goofing adding Bob-O to the list, but it’s completely earnest. He really loves Christmas and I get a real kick out his videos. Holiday time, it’s wall-to-wall wassling and joy.

My Spotify holiday playlist: I don’t know, this is just what I like. I hope you like some of it too.

Dull Motion Video: Fahrenheit

Since I’m apparently chemically incapable of not making dumb stuff even if no one is currently paying me to do so, here’s this dumb thing.

What’s Next?

So here’s what’s next for yours truly: I, and a big team of talented folks, are going to be building the best video game site ever.

We’re doing it with an astonishing level of support, an unprecedented set of tools (many of which we’re still making up!) and an absolutely unparalleled team of talent that, for my money at least, hasn’t been approached since 1UP in its heyday.

How good is our founding team? Well, let’s see. You’ve got Brian Crecente and Chris Grant, two of the guys that helped write the book on how you write about games online. There’s Russ Pitts, who shepherded The Escapist from PDF to burgeoning media empire. There’s Arthur Gies, one of my favorite critics working today. There’s the hilarious, insightful Chris Plante (who I’ve always wanted to work with) and the astounding Russ Frushtick who, in addition to being a great writer, is probably the most skilled gamer I know in real life. (He used to be #1 in the world at Jetpack Joyride!) Then you’ve got my favorite video game journalist (Griffin McElroy) helping Crecente to lead our news coverage, and me, who was hired solely to do weird stuff that horrifies, delights or horrifies and delights in equal measure (and to manage the team too, I guess, but that other thing sounds better, right?).

And we’re not done looking, not by a long shot.

Building off the amazing tech already in place at The Verge, we’re going to be making a site that’s as fun to play with as it is to read. And once your eye jellies have absorbed every word, you’ll be able to chat about games with a community you’ll really want to interact with.

I used to have the best job in the world with people I loved. I was as comfortable and safe as I was happy. I left that job to do this, which I hope says a lot about just how exciting I think this opportunity is. We’re building a new video game site, one that I believe is in a position to become one of the giants. I’ve always wanted to be in on the ground floor of something  like this, and I hope you have too.

Go get on already.

A leap of faith

I used to be a newspaper reporter. It was a good gig, but I had to do a lot of stuff I hated. I had to cover crime scenes. I had to read arrest reports. I had to go to city council meetings. Also, despising unprompted social interaction with people I don’t know, I wasn’t particularly great at it.

But in my spare hours, I was also writing posts for a website called Joystiq.

As much as I enjoyed it, I realized I was straddling two worlds, trying to be a traditional news guy and a member of the new world of online media. One afternoon in 2007, I sat in the field behind my house and asked my wife to trust me as I dropped my actual, real adult job with benefits to become a guy who professionally makes jokes about Mario’s hat and photoshops speech bubbles onto pictures of babies dressed like pirates.

I had no promise that the Joystiq thing would turn into a full-time job with benefits (in fact, that took a few years), but I knew that writing at Joystiq was the first thing I thought I was genuinely good at. My wife gave not only her blessing, but her adamant insistence that I had to do it. I was, is and will forever be indebted to her for her faith.

Because she trusted me, I’ve had some of the most amazing experiences of my life. I got to record a podcast and write for a website with some of my best friends in the world. I got to see a community grow around our work and got to meet many of its members, all of whom are just the best people. I got to record a show called My Brother, My Brother and Me and actually get people to listen to it. I also played catch with George Lopez.

Now, some five years later, I’m asking you, the people who care about the stuff I read and write to trust me in much the same way as I announce that I’m leaving Joystiq. A WordPress blog is nowhere near as picturesque as a West Virginia landscape, and we’re not all sitting together, but the sentiment is the same.

I’m taking a huge risk in letting go of the single best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I do it only because I think amazing things will come of it that you’re really going to love. But I need you to hang in there with me, to have faith that it’ll all be worth it. I ask you this because the fact that you care enough to listen to me, to respond means more than any job, any title or any paycheck.

Joystiq will pass into the hands of the amazing Ludwig Kietzmann and Co., all of whom will do some incredible things and I’m heartbroken that I won’t be a part of it. No matter where I go in my life, I will always carry with me a hole in my heart shaped like Joystiq.

But as nervous, sad, scared, excited as I am about 2012 (both due to my new gig and the world-ending return of Quetzalcoatl) what I feel most is gratitude. Thanks to Chris Grant, I had the biggest opportunity of my life. Thanks to the every member of Team Joystiq, I’ve become a better writer with a better collection of friends and animated cat GIFs. Thanks to my wife, I have a fantastic reason to step away from the keyboard now and then.

Finally, I appreciate you, the people who read or listen to my work. For a husky, not-so-popular kid from a state many couldn’t find on a map, the fact that so many of you like me is a gift I get to unwrap everyday.

There’s a running joke that whether the recipient is a stranger or friend, I give the world’s greatest hugs. It’s only now that I can reveal my secret, one that I hope I haven’t kept too well over the past five years:

I love you all so very, very much.

Trust me.

From the Annals: Tall Tales of Gaming: Little Computer People

I did a piece called Tall Tales of Gaming for Computer Games Magazine. This was the follow-up piece. It’s a batshit crazy story about David Crane creating Little Computer People. It was written before I knew how to write, so don’t judge me too harshly.

————————

       “…And that’s why we need your help, Mr. Crane,” finished the
four-inch-tall mayor of the little people with a grand wave.
       David Crane feigned being moved by their tales of being constantly
pursued by the ferocious creatures that inhabited their island; a
difficult task, as he was being deafened by the sound of cash
registers.
       “Uh huh, that’s really heartbreaking,” Crane said, as he thoughtfully
fondled the floppy disk in his pocket. “Listen, do you guys…do
anything?”
       “Sorry?” said the mayor with a furrowed brow.
       “Do you do anything interesting?” Crane asked curtly.
       The mayor’s face beamed, “Of course! We love to play poker, practice
the piano, tend to our pets-“
       “Yeah, OK, sounds good,” interrupted Crane, scooping all of the
island’s inhabitants into his arms.
       The townsfolk embraced as a little boy asked tearfully, “So does this
mean you’ll let us come and work in your chocolate factory?”
       “What the hell are you…Oh! The chocolate factory! Well yes, of
course! It’s a magical place, full of…wonder, and you’ll…uhh, always
be safe from the…vermicious knid,” Crane replied, attempting to judge
the child’s weight as one might select the ripest melon.
       “OK, gang, here’s the deal. You’re all going to the factory, and it’s
going to be really wondrous and everything, but I’m going to have to
transport you all,” Crane said as he pulled the disk from his pocket,
“in this.”
       “What…what’s that?” asked a tiny, trembling woman.
       “Why, it’s a magical transporter that makes Uncle David $27.50 in
royalties whenever one is sold,” replied Crane with a sadistic laugh.
       “But how will we all fit in there?” said the mayor, his giddiness
melting to terror.
        “Well, Ringo,” Crane flicked open his rusty pocket knife, “that’s
what we’re going to find out.”

                               ***********************

       Hours had passed, Crane was coated in sweat, tears and purplish
blood, and not one of the little people was on the computer disk!
       But Crane would not be defeated, he knew “Little Computer People”
could be a hit, if only…suddenly, as he looked at the remains of the
world’s smallest humanoids, he knew what he had to do.
       He would learn how to program! It was almost too easy. The only thing
that could stand in his way now were thirty or so tiny skeletons in
his closet.
       Crane wiped his hands on a nearby patch of grass, and set off to find
a very tiny shovel.

A Note on Plagarism

Just a quick note about this piece, which elicited a lot of … strong responses from my followers on Twitter.

For the record, I don’t think he explains away his actions. In fact, what I found interesting about the piece was just how little of an explanation he had. Take this bit, where he describes the inception of his “habit”:

I was 20 years old, and trying to write a short story for the first or second time when I came upon a paragraph I liked from a short story by B.S. Johnson called What did you say the Name of the Place was? It was so easy to do, as easy as picking up a drink, if you think about it. The lifted paragraph perfectly fit my narrative. And it temporarily assuaged the awful feeling I had in my head that I was no good as a writer.

The thing about mea culpas like this that normally make them effective is that they walk you back to a first, seemingly innocuous step — something that everyone can relate to — after which they inevitably spin off into disaster. But, speaking solely for myself, I can’t even understand the inception of his crime. That leap from copying someone’s paragraph and pasting it into my own work is one that I could never knowingly make.

I’m not willing to call plagiarism an “addiction” (though I’d argue overuse has long since robbed the word of most of its clinical connotations). But is it not possible that there’s some flipped switch in Quentin Rowan’s mind that isn’t flipped in mine or yours? Why is it so much easier to think he’s an evil, evil son-of-a-bitch with no conscience?

It’s great to beat up on people who plagiarize, because it’s one of the absolute wrongs. There’s no gray area, it’s simply not done. I believe most of us are guided away from absolute wrongs by an internal moral compass. It’s one that steers us away from these big sins and maybe allows for a few smaller ones that may be harder to judge, harder to detect.

I may be naive, but I prefer to think that some people have areas where their compasses don’t function correctly, rather than thinking those people are missing theirs entirely. Whether you want to define that as addiction is up to you, but I’d be loathe to kick around someone else’s great big sins just because mine are harder to find.