I Watched The Tester: Episode 1

What the fuck am I doing? Fine. Here we go.

Being a tester’s not a good job, but you’ll get a $5,000 signing bonus.Prestigious!

One of the gamers is a grown man who refers to himself as Goof. Oh, and there’s a “Nauseous” as well.

“Uncharted 2! YES!” Direct quote.

“Now I got my official PlayStation badge and I’m not letting go of it. Now it totally feels official.” Oh man, I’d be pretty darn jealous if that were a real thing, which it fucking isn’t.

This girl’s name is Luge. Bet there’s a well known story at the Pi Kap house about that one.

“I was hoping people would have accents here!” Who doesn’t love accents? You know what I’m big on? Disguises.

Star’s secret (she’s a pro-gamer) lasts three minutes when Doc recognizes her. Why would they string out a plot line for longer than that when there are so many amazing stories here left to tell?! Also: Is it more amazing that they got a pro gamer or that they found the one living human who could recognize a pro gamer?

Upon looking at the setting for the first challenge (basically a dentist’s chair) Doc is “Ready to change his f***ing shorts, man.” Are you, Doc? Are you?

Hal Sparks looks appropriately embarrassed to be there. It’s really the only dignified thing to do.

Their first challenge is literally a dual picture “Spot the Difference” puzzle. Yes. Yes, like in Highlights.

Doc, who I’m enjoying less by the second, sits in the dentist’s chair and literally asks “What’s the inflight movie?” I’m pretty sure that bringing along Bruce Villanche to write your gags for you is cheating.

…I’m still watching this. No, really.

Nauseous is, I shit you not, unable to grasp the challenge. Until, later, he does.

Fame Girl is so super excited to see Hal Sparks because she wants to tell him that she too loves the 90s and 80s … you know, like on VH1. Ask old Hal how he feels about the 10s so far. I’m gonna go with “Pretty fucking bad.”

I’m getting worried that Barmy is going to be eliminated, because he’s my favorite. Why? Well for one, he actually, he literally looks like this:

Also, he just said “parrots are zygodactyl, two toes forward and two toes backwards” apropos of nothing.

God bless Hal, he’s putting in a good effort, save from accusing Barmy of having “a little bit of Dahmer.”

AND THEY GET RID OF BARMY! AND HE CRIES! YET STILL MANAGES TO SOUND EXACTLY LIKE FREQUENT THIS AMERICAN LIFE CONTRIBUTOR DAVID RAKOFF!

I give “The Tester,” Episode 1 four out of five stars.

A New Standard of Internet Civility: Part One: Arguing

The internet can be a pretty vicious place from time to time, and I think we’ve all kind of accepted that’s just the way it is. I know I have.  But I was re-reading Dale Carnegie’s wonderful How to Win Friends and Influence People yesterday, and it occurred to me: It doesn’t have to be like this. It could be better. Moreover, if the internet is going to inch closer to being our primary form of communication with one another, it should be better.

So we’re going to fix this thing together, you and me, because Uncle Dale’s not here to help us out. As I’ll continually say, I don’t hold myself up as either an expert or a shining example of the principles I’ll extol the virtues of here. But I’m trying, and I hope you will too. My hope is that you’ll spread these pieces around with the social networking and word-of-mouth avenues available to you and, together, we can all make things a little nicer.

Part One: Arguing

Now, let’s talk about arguing on the internet. Namely: Try to think back to the number of times you’ve had a e-debate with someone and, at the end, thought “Wow, I’m glad I did that. I’m better off.” Never, right? Sure you might have gotten a chuckle after having gotten a particularly good zing in, but, on the whole, it’s just never a worthwhile practice. “But Justin!” I hear you saying, “sometimes people are just so wrong.”

Listen, you think I haven’t been there? I have to read comments on stories about video games as part of my job. You think I don’t see people saying utterly repellent shit day in, day out? Of course I do. But (and, again, I’m far from perfect in this) whenever possible, I try to find other ways to win people to my way of thinking. In fact, I think Uncle Dale has a set of rules for doing just that. Let’s look at a few of them, shall we?

Win people to your way of thinking

• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
• Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
• Begin in a friendly way.
• Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
• Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
• Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
• Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
• Appeal to the nobler motives.

Do you know how far all of us on the internet could go if we followed those rules? Several of them could use some more explanation (you’ll have to buy the book for that) but what an amazing start it would be if we could stop correcting people. I’ll admit, it feels like a pretty radical idea, to stop telling people they’re wrong, but it’s amazingly powerful. I’m paraphrasing Uncle Dale here: If you tell someone they’re wrong, especially in front of other people, then they feel embarrassed and they like you less. You might feel good about yourself, but it’s a fleeting kind of satisfaction.

Here’s an example: When you see a funny error in something you read online, is your first impulse to Tweet about it and have a good laugh at that person’s expense? I know it often is for me. But consider this: If you were to politely email the person and say this “I’m sure it was just an oversight (I myself make them all the time) but there’s a slight error in your second paragraph. It’s unlike the high standards you normally keep, so I knew you’d want to correct it as soon as possible. Keep up the good work!”

With the first method, you may have given friends and followers a fleeting smile, but in the process you’ve shown yourself to be snarky and self-important, and that’s at best. At worst, you’ve embarrassed the writer in error in front of tens, hundreds maybe thousands of people. With the second method, you may have convinced the real human being at the other end of the line that you’re a kind, trustworthy person, perhaps even a friend. I ask you: Which is more valuable?

Here’s my challenge to you: The next time someone tries to argue with you or pick a fight, see if you can win them over as a friend. Afterward, compare it to other internet arguments you’ve had and tell me it doesn’t feel way, way better.

Xmas Battle 2009: The Worst Christmas Song

In keeping with tradition, I held my annual Christmas-themed battle on my Twitter account, this time asking about the worst Christmas song. There’s a lot of disparate hatred, with a clear least favorite. Here are the results:

Christmas Shoes – 11

Little Drummer Boy – 3 (This is clearly the best, by the way.)

Baby It’s Cold Outside – 2

Dominic the Donkey – 2

“Last Christmas” by Wham – 1 (So good that I wish I’d thought of it.)

Sleigh Ride – 1

“Christmas Tree” by Lady Gaga – 1

“The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot” – 1

“Happy Christmas (War is Over)” – 1

Barking Dog Jingle Bells – 1

Jingle Bell Rock – 1

Christmas Time Again – 1

We Three Kings by Patti Smith – 1

“Rudolph Got A DUI” by Bill Engvall – 1 (Also, @ObiBen, NO SHIT.)

Anything by X Factor/Anything by Mariah Carey – 1

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey – 1

“Winder Wonderland” by Amy Grant – 1

“Christmas Don’t Be Late” by Alvin and the Chipmunks – 1

Want to help give some kids a Christmas?

Hey, you like sharing, right? Of course you do. How about the opportunity to give the magic of Christmas to an underprivileged child? Would you like that, or are you a heartless monster? No, I didn’t think you were a monster.  Considering what we know about you so far, that you like sharing and aren’t a monster, I have a great opportunity for you.

My dad’s radio station (WTCR) is doing their “Adopt-A-Child” Program, and things are going very slowly, like “It’s the last week and they still have 95% of the kids unclaimed”-slowly. Basically, they just need you to pick a kid and buy something for them. WTCR organizes, wraps the gifts and throws the kids a big party. I’ve gone the past couple of years, it’s really great and it really makes a difference for the kids, many of whom won’t have much a holiday without this.

You can drop off something if you’re local, but you can also ship a gift (9801 Radio Park Road, Catlettsburg, KY 41129) through Amazon or something if you don’t live in the area, and just want to help out. The deadline is Dec. 7 and you can call 1-800-275-9827 to get involved.

Best yet, if you call between 6 and 10 a.m. EST you’ll get to speak to AMERICA’S FAVORITE RADIO DISC JOCKEY PERSONALITY Clint McElroy. Yeah, you’re welcome.

My Sega CD FMV Collection

This is the one thing I really, actually collect. I’ll keep this updated, though I can’t imagine why you’d care. Email me (justin aat joystiq dawt com) if you see anything missing or you want to send me ones I’m missing (those are the ones that aren’t bolded).

Cobra Command
The Colors Of Modern Rock
Compton’s Interactive Encyclopedia
Corpse Killer
Crime Patrol
Double Switch
Dracula Unleashed
Dragon’s Lair
Fahrenheit
Ground Zero Texas
Jurassic Park
Kids On Site
Loadstar
Mad Dog Mcree
Mad Dog Mcree: The Lost Gold
Make My Video: INXS
Make My Video: Kriss Kross
Make My Video: Marky Mark
Masked Rider: Kamen Rider Zo
Midnight Raiders
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
NFL’s Greatest San Francisco Vs Dallas
Night Trap
Power Factory (C&C): Make My Video
Prize Fighter
Revenge Of The Ninja
Road Avenger
Sewer Shark
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes Volume II
Slam City with Scottie Pippen
Space Ace
Star Strike
Supreme Warrior
Surgical Strike
Time Gal
Tomcat Alley
Who Shot Johnny Rock?
Wirehead

The Best Picture

My sister-in-law stole this from a local Mexican restaurant for me. I love this picture. If there’s a better visual representation of West Virginia I don’t know what it is.

For Shawn Elliott’s Photoshop Contest

This is why I try not to let myself have free time. Original is here.

Twitter: Battle Xmas Results

My Twitter account was just the site of a no-holds barred battle for Christmas movie supremacy. Here are the results:

• Die Hard – 8
• Christmas Story – 6
• Scrooged – 4
• Nightmare Before Xmas – 3
• Christmas Vacation – 3
• It’s A Wonderful Life – 2
• Home Alone 2 – 1
• Lion in Winter – 1
• Jingle All the Way – 1
• Gremlins – 1
• Muppet Christmas Carol – 1
• Year Without Santa – 1
• Rudolph – 1
• Love Actually – 1

Congrats, Mr. McClane! And thanks to everyone who voted!

Feature: Gamezebo: Behind The Game: Bejeweled Twist

Feature: Gamezebo: Behind the Game: Bejeweled Twist

This feature on Bejeweled Twist turned out to be pretty interesting. Did you know it was originally going to be played with sushi? I did not.

Feature: Joystiq: Live Blogging the 2008 VGAs

Joystiq: Live Blogging the 2008 VGAs

Don’t tell anyone, but this liveblog of the VGAs Griffin and I do is probably my favorite thing all year.